Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward, or you're trying to make your niece laugh. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."
Here are 101 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, even if you do think they're a bit cringe.
Short jokes
- How do you know if a vampire is unwell?
Because he'll be coffin
- Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second hand shops
- Why did the bicycle collapse?
It was too tyred
- What kind of music do bubbles hate?
Pop
- Why did the hairdresser win the race?
He knew a shortcut
- How did the picture end up in prison?
It was framed
- What do solicitors wear to work?
Lawsuits
- Why did the bullet lose its job?
It got fired
- Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long?
Then it’d be a foot
- Want to hear a joke about a roof?
The first one’s on the house
- What does a house wear?
Address!
- What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner"
- Why is grass so dangerous?
It’s full of blades
- What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot
- Why do French people eat snails?
They don’t like fast food
- Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?
A meatball
- How do trees get online?
They just log on!
- How do billboards talk?
Sign language
- What’s America’s favourite soda?
Mini soda
- Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
- How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars
- Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
She’ll let it go
- What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes
- What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands
- How do you follow a book?
You track their footnotes
- What’s the biggest problem with snow boots?
They melt
Food jokes
- What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?
Academia nuts
- Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?
In case there's a salad dressing
- Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?
He was on a roll
- Why do prawns never share?
Because they're shellfish
- What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?
Halloumi!
- What do you call a drunk parsnip?
A steaming vegetable
- Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi
- Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling
- What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it
- What food is never on time?
Choco-late!
- What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
- How much room should you give to the funghi?
As mushroom as you can
- What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it?
A cupachinos
- What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous
- How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Animal jokes
- What’s the most famous fish?
A starfish!
- What are spiders really good at?
Surfing the web
- What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador
- How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator
- What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator
- Where would you find a giraffe?
The same place you lost it!
- Why don't they play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs
- How do you measure a slug?
In inches, because they don't have feet
- What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings
- What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
- Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
They don’t have the right koala-fications
- What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable
- What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
- What’s the smartest insect?
A spelling bee!
- Where do cows go on Friday nights?
The moovies
- How do you make a baby snake cry?
Take away its rattle
- What do you call a chicken that makes jokes?
A comedihen
- What are caterpillars scared of?
Dogerpillars
- Why didn’t the lion win the race?
Because he was racing a cheetah
- Why did the bee get married?
Because she found her honey
- Why can’t the leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted
- What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?
An army jacket
More funny jokes
- What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?
A-Dell
- When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
- What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?
They always get a bit flush
- How do you organise a space-themed party?
You planet
- Why do pancakes always win at cricket?
They have the best batter
- Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?
He had a hard-drive
- What do runners eat before a race?
Nothing - they fast
- How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?
You rocket
- What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon
- Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?
Because it's point-less
- What did the policeman say to his nipple?
You're under a vest
- Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?
He kept getting lost at C
- Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby?
She kept running away from the ball
- What did the dentist win at the competition?
A little plaque
- What do you call a skeleton with only a head?
A nobody
- What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
- Why do ghosts like to take the lift?
It lifts their spirits
- What do you call a patronising bear?
A pan-duh
- Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field
- Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates?
He didn't have the guts to ask anyone
- Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it
- Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
He's a bit of a pain in the neck
- What do you call a guy who’s really loud?
Mike
- What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has-bean
- Can February March?
No, but April May!
- Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?
Its days are numbered
- Why do barbers make good drivers?
They know a lot of short cuts
- What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case?
Sheer Luck Holmes
- What’s it called when you have too many aliens?
Extraterrestrials
- What should you do if you’re cold?
Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees
- What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back for seconds
- Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen?
Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?
- What does one eye say to the other eye?
Something between us smells
- What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
1forrest1
- Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something
- What’s the spookiest kind of author?
A ghost writer
- What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
Dusty Baxter-Wright is an award-winning journalist and the Entertainment and Lifestyle Director at Cosmopolitan, having previously worked at Sugarscape. She was named one of PPA’s 30 Under 30 for her work covering pop culture, careers, interiors and travel, and oversees the site’s Entertainment and Lifestyle strategy across print, digital and video. As a journalist for the best part of a decade, she has interviewed everyone from Louis Theroux and Channing Tatum to Margot Robbie and Ncuti Gatwa, while she has also spoken on Times Radio and BBC Radio. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram here.
Lydia VennSenior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer
Lydia Venn is Cosmopolitan UK’s Senior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer. She covers everything from , to the latest celebrity news. She also writes across our work/life section regularly creating , covering exciting new releases and sharing the latest must-haves. In her role she’s interviewed everyone from Margot Robbie to Niall Horan, and her work has appeared on an episode of . After completing a degree in English at the University of Exeter, Lydia moved into journalism, writing for the , before working as Features Editor at , where she spoke on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and Talk Radio. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of Gilmore Girls and 00s teen movies, and in her free time can be found with a margarita in hand watching the Real Housewives on repeat. Find her on .
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7pLvSpqapp5yewaK6jZympmeloHyttcWeqq2xnJp8ooCUaWpubGhqfKfBzaewZqKfoLK0ew%3D%3D