[TW: Contains references to self-harm] Singer Billie Eilish has bravely spoken out about her mental health challenges many times in the past and how she's been impacted by fame, from struggling with her body image to self-harm. Now, in a new Apple TV+ documentary, Billie Eilish: The World’s A Little Blurry, she bravely confronts those issues on camera, and shares with viewers that she first began cutting at the age of 14 (a year after she first became famous).
Speaking on camera aged 17, Billie says that heartbreakingly there was a time when she didn't think she'd reach such an age. "To be honest with you, I never thought I’d make it to this age," she begins. "I’m never happy. I feel the dark things. I’m bad at taking care of my mental health."
She then goes on to explain that her mental health difficulties saw her self-harm and lock herself in a bathroom to "make herself bleed". "I thought I deserved it," she explains.
Later on in the film, Billie (now 19) reflects on how far she's come and how little the public really knew about her life at that difficult time. "It’s funny, when anyone else thinks about Billie Eilish at 14, they think of all the good things that happened, but all I can think of is how miserable I was. How completely distraught and confused. Thirteen to sixteen was pretty rough."
The documentary – which is described as "the true coming-of-age story of the singer-songwriter and her rise to global superstardom" – also shows footage of an enthralled audience watching Billie performing, singing along with her every word, and her telling the crowd that they are the reason that she is "okay".
Within the film, Billie also discusses having Tourette's Syndrome and a video that circulated in 2019, showing her facial tics. "It’s confusing when someone is making a weird face gesture or throwing out their neck," she says. "The internet hasn’t really seen the bad [tics] because I’m really good at suppressing them."
Billie then shares that the more she suppresses them, the stronger her tics will be later on. "The thing is, the longer you suppress them, the worse they get afterwards. I’m sure one day everyone will see the tic attacks that happen when I’m stressed and haven’t slept."
However, she ends on a positive note, saying, "But it could be a lot worse and it’s not, and I’m grateful for that."
If you're struggling with your mental health, or self-harm, visit www.rethink.org.
Billie Eilish: The World's A Little Blurry is available to watch on Apple TV+
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Jennifer Savin is Cosmopolitan UK's multiple award-winning Features Editor, who was crowned Digital Journalist of the Year for her work tackling the issues most important to young women. She regularly covers breaking news, cultural trends, health, the royals and more, using her esteemed connections to access the best experts along the way. She's grilled everyone from high-profile politicians to A-list celebrities, and has sensitively interviewed hundreds of people about their real life stories. In addition to this, Jennifer is widely known for her own undercover investigations and campaign work, which includes successfully petitioning the government for change around topics like abortion rights and image-based sexual abuse. Jennifer is also a published author, documentary consultant (helping to create BBC’s Deepfake Porn: Could You Be Next?) and a patron for Y.E.S. (a youth services charity). Alongside Cosmopolitan, Jennifer has written for The Times, Women’s Health, ELLE and numerous other publications, appeared on podcasts, and spoken on (and hosted) panels for the Women of the World Festival, the University of Manchester and more. In her spare time, Jennifer is a big fan of lipstick, leopard print and over-ordering at dinner. Follow Jennifer on Instagram, X or LinkedIn.
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