This post contains spoilers for Dunkirk.
This week, Harry Styles makes his acting debut in Dunkirk, Christopher Nolan’s World War II drama also starring Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, Kenneth Branagh, and Mark Rylance. In the Dunkirk trailers, Harry’s character, Alex (a name that I’m 99.99 percent sure is mentioned nowhere but IMDb), spent most of his time trying not to drown so it was easy to assume that he might not live that long.
As a person whose only two reasons for seeing Dunkirk were (1) Harry Styles and (2) Tom Hardy, I am happy to report that Harry not only did not die early on, but ended up being one of the main characters and made it out of the movie alive! In fact, he had so many lines that I had to abandon my original plan to write them all down because I could not write as fast he was speaking. (I also couldn’t always understand him, but that was true of every actor in the movie except Kenneth “The Enunciator” Branagh, so please don’t consider this a knock on Harry’s acting ability.) Below, a complete list of everything Harry Styles does in Dunkirk, which for some reason did not include a Harry Styles song over the end credits.
1. Jumps off a sinking ship. Harry doesn’t enter the action until about 30 minutes in, but once he’s in, he’s in — good thing he decided to tag along with Tommy, aka the main character! Note: This is not even close to the first time Harry will have to exit a sinking ship.
2. Climbs up the pier and gets on a new ship. Don’t get too comfortable, there’s still at least an hour left in the movie.
3. Eats toast and jam. I can only hope Christopher Nolan filmed five or six more hours of just Harry eating toast and jam that he plans to release as an extra on the Blu-ray.
4. Directs suspicion to a suspicious-looking guy. “What’s wrong with your friend?” Harry asks Tommy, who picked up a weirdly silent pal on the beach at Dunkirk. This guy is not interested in the toast and jam, which naturally causes Harry to think he’s a spy. Who wouldn’t want toast and jam?
5. Looks around suspiciously. Tommy says the suspicious guy is just looking for another way off the ship in case things go badly, but Harry is not here for it. He should be, though, because things are obviously going to go badly.
6. Cheers with joy. The boat is moving and Harry is happy. Does he even know what happened at this battle?
7. Flails underwater. Surprise! The boat exploded. Harry comes very close to getting trapped but makes it out at the last second.
8. Swims to yet another boat but is rejected by Cillian Murphy. Cillian doesn’t want Harry and Tommy to come on the boat because he thinks they will capsize it. He is probably right but this is still rude.
9. Climbs ashore and sits on the beach. Having failed to escape on his third boat of the movie, Harry stares wistfully at the crashing waves. Will any boat ever love him?
10. Watches a guy drown himself. Things are getting dark.
11. Naps on his lifejacket. But not so dark that Harry can’t squeeze in a power nap.
12. Joins up with a group of guys headed to abandoned boat. Maybe this boat will carry to them safety? (The alternate title of Dunkirk should be Men on Boats.)
13. Gets mad and says, “For fuck’s sake!” Harry is very upset at a metal box because it is empty.
14. Ducks for cover. As if being on yet another boat isn’t bad enough, this one is getting shot at!
15. “We have to plug it.” The fourth boat now has bullet holes in it, because Harry just cannot catch a break. He’s the first person to say that they should, like, do something about the holes, so at least we know he’s a thinker.
16. Suggests someone gets off to even the weight. This is a stupid idea because it doesn’t solve the problem of holes in the boat but he’s trying.
17. Accuses the aforementioned suspicious guy of being a German spy. According to Harry, this alleged spy should be the one to get off the boat.
18. Tells the only “joke” in the entire movie. It’s a racist joke about Germans, but in the context of 1940 and this bleak-ass movie, it qualifies. “He don’t speak English,” Harry says of the spy. “If he does, it’s with an accent thicker than sauerkraut sauce!”
19. Points a gun at the alleged spy, then discovers he’s French. “He’s a frog,” says Harry. “A bloody frog!” Harry still hates this guy, even though it’s now been confirmed that he’s an ally. Harry is kind of an asshole?
20. Gets to say a very thematically on-point line. “Survival’s not fair,” says Harry. Expect this to end up in a trailer in a few weeks.
21. Tries to cover the boat’s holes. Nobody listened when he said they had to plug it.
22. Gets covered in oil. This part happens fast, but the gist is that the holey boat founders next to a larger ship that’s sinking and spilling oil into the water. Harry makes it out of the holey boat but lands right in the oil like one of those baby pelicans that has to get washed off with Dawn. (I volunteer to wash Harry off with Dawn.)
23. Gets rescued by Mr. Dawson. Fifth boat’s a charm.
24. Discovers George is dead. Who is George, you ask? Doesn’t matter because as Harry puts it, “He’s dead, mate.”
25. Covers George with a blanket. So respectful, even in times of trauma.
26. Comes above deck to see the cliffs of Dorset. Not Dover, as he initially assumes.
27. Goes ashore for the final time and walks along a train track. He’s never getting on a boat again.
28. Receives a blanket from a kindly old man telling all the soldiers, “Well done.” Harry is unsatisfied with this compliment because he feels ashamed that everyone had to be rescued.
29. Naps on train. He can nap anywhere!
30. Wakes up and asks a kid to bring him a paper. Exact words: “Bring me one of them papers!”
31. Tells Tommy to read the Dunkirk article because he “can’t bear it.” Harry thinks the piece will be about how they’re all cowards for having to get evacuated. Harry is wrong.
32. Accepts a beer from a friendly passerby. Time to get lit.
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