When your average guy hears the word "hand job," it goes through a processing factory that spits it out to his brain as "Dry claw grip parade NOOOO." Then they make some variety of that joke that goes like, "The best hand job is with your mouth, HUR HUR HUR HURRR DURR." Yeah, no. I'm tired, and I already brushed my teeth.

Why are handies considered the embarrassing inbred cousin of the blow job? Because they're associated with the ultimate unsexy sexual attitude: Halfheartedness. We picture them being given in the backs of a car by an ambivalent, inexperienced teen girl to her desperate boner-addled boyfriend who is shorter than her. Or by a recently divorced mom who's too tired to have actual sex with her latest eHarmony date, but since Emma's with Bill for the night, and she cleaned the kitchen counter for company, and she knows that Bill is sleeping with that secretary at the firm, she feels like getting this schmuck off just for spite. It's just so sad.

Carlyle Jansen, the founder of Toronto sex shop Good For Her, is changing the negative attitudes toward handies with a workshop called "The Sophisticated Hand Job," which aims to expand the average HJ-giver's repertoire to include more diverse and pleasurable moves than simply yanking on it like a rusty jalopy stick shift. Jansen, who's been teaching the class for 10 years and has given TED Talks on the nature of sex in relationships, clearly knows her shit. One woman who took the workshop tweeted her husband's impressive response:

Pretty, preeeetty good.

Jansen was kind enough to give me a teleconferenced lesson, made possible thanks to Skype, a dildo, and an empty conference room facing out onto a bunch of cubicles where people laughed at me. Go ahead and laugh! I would walk out of that room with the ability to jerk off a dude like Lady Mary Crawley. (By which I mean jerk off a dude the way Lady Mary would, not jerk off a dude who is similar to Lady Mary.)

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I am skeptical, naturally. But Jansen tells me, "I had a lover many years ago who, after I learned these hand job techniques, said to me, 'I couldn't care less about intercourse, oral sex is OK, but it's all about your hands. They can do so much more than a vagina, a mouth, even a butt can do.'" Aight.

Jansen says that three major factors go into a good hand job: Variety (switch it up), lube (silicon-based is best because it doesn't dry out, but coconut oil is great for au naturel types), and pressure. She says that most women take it too easy on the penis, and our worry of hurting the guy is interfering with our capability to be hand job goddesses. Valid.

For service purposes, I had my boyfriend Yelp-review the following Jansen-taught techniques.

"Jiggle It" Warm-Up

In Theory: Self-explanatory.

In Practice: "Haha, what are you doing?" he asked. He said it felt like nothing.

Twist and Shout

In Theory: Grab from the base of the penis, then pull his whole penis to the side as you twist. "Pressure at the base is OK," says Jansen. "Ask him to rate the pressure on a scale of one to ten."

In Practice: I looked down at his penis with uncertainty and said, "I think I have to like, twist it?" His face became full of fear. Hard to come back from that. I tried it; he said it didn't really feel like anything, but that might have been because I was doing it gingerly. Because the way Jansen did it looked like it could be done incorrectly/painfully.

Tunnel of Love

In Theory: Place one hand over the other again and again and push them down from the head to the base. "It makes him feel like he's in a never-ending vagina."

In Practice: "You need to go faster so there's no space of time between them, then it would feel good," he said. So I did, and then he couldn't stop laughing because my flailing elbow movements made me look like Olive Oyl. "I can't look. It's too ridiculous." Verdict: Even with eyes closed, it felt OK, but did not feel like a never-ending vagina.

Bouncing Squid

In Theory: Put your hand in a squid shape with all your fingers pursed together around the tip of his penis, your palm above the head. Now bounce it up and down his penis from the head to the base, trying to get the thumb or middle finger to go down over the frenulum repeatedly. "You have to see his cock as kind of a fun thing to play with like a joystick. And once he knows youre enjoying it he'll enjoy it that much more."

In Practice: "See why it's called a squid?" I asked. "I … I don't need to know the names," he said. He felt whatever about this, but +1,000 points because I found it funny.

Extra Little Touches

In Theory: First knead your thumbs upward under the frenulum, alternating between thumbs. Then pull one hand down to the base of his penis and rub the flat palm of your other hand over the head. "He won't come from these, but when he does come, these will make it more intense."

In Practice: "It's nice, but I could take or leave it," he said. "You know," I said, "This woman is so good at hand jobs that her old lover said that he could 'take or leave intercourse.'" He gave me a "get out of town" look. "It would be nice if you put your mouth on it," he said. "That's not what I have to do for work," I said.

Stuff With the Balls

In Theory: Grab between his penis and balls, and squeeze so you get more definition in the scrotal sack. Gently. Use fingertips or palms really gently though. If you go too hard on his balls he'll never let you near them again.

In Practice: Into it.

Opposites

In Theory: Stack both hands on the penis and move fists back and forth in opposite directions, kind of like you are using a pepper grinder. "Normally when we have sex it's just up and down, but sometimes opposite is good."

In Practice: This one was the best one. After a minute or two, he stopped me and said, semi-panicked, "I don't want to come from a hand job," because this would send him back to the lonely masturbation festival of high school or something.

In conclusion, my boyfriend was pleasantly surprised: "That was better than I thought it would be." He acquiesced that he'd be open to finishing from a hand job if the "Opposites" move was the main attraction — but for other men, it could be some other move. And for your LOLs, I hope that move is the squid.

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RELATED:

15 Things Every Woman Thinks While Giving a Hand Job

Hand Job Techniques He'll Never Forget

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Photo Credit: Getty

Writer. Things I appreciate: Ghosts, white wine, men who look like they could protect me from predators, and a great homemade deviled egg. Also, I have a VERY ambivalent obsession with Sex and The City but I'm not like any of them, other than maybe Miranda's cat.

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