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Let’s talk about Jon Hamm’s penis. That’s not a subject I thought I’d have to address but apparently Jon Hamm’s penis has been caught flopping around outside enough times that it’s an event of sorts. As the old saying goes, "Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, and three times means Jon Hamm has at least some idea that he’s pressing his meat-wallet up against the front seat of his pants." For some people, this begs the question, "Why?" It doesn’t beg that question for me personally, but I’ve been offered money to function as an arbiter of sorts and glean some idea of his motivations. There are a few theories that hold water much the same way Jon Hamm's pants cannot hold his dong in check.

He Doesn't Feel Like Putting on Underwear

According to Occam’s razor, the simplest answer is usually the correct one, and in this instance, that answer is "freeballing." Hamm chooses to go commando because he can, not because he feels obligated to show the world his penis. I can’t make presumptions for everyone, but sometimes it’s easier to walk down the street to your corner store and get coffee filters and not look for your underwear first. If you have to search for a pair of underwear to throw on, you’ve made it a thing — whereas previously, it was just a guy walking to get coffee filters and not giving a fuck which direction his twig and berries were flopping. Maybe Hamm just really doesn’t feel like throwing on that underwear sometimes.

I’m even willing to entertain the idea that he has a very unfounded fear of underwear, an allergy to most textiles, or that his very special Hollywood man pants are different than our regular people pants. Maybe his big famous pants just don’t feel right with a pair of underwear smushed between the goose-down pant lining and his meat tube. Or maybe he just likes the sense of freedom a slight breeze brings to his undercarriage.

It's a Publicity Stunt

I can’t profess to know the ins and outs of Tinsel Town. I’m confident that some publicist somewhere arranges for "photo ops" to keep celebrities relevant. But does Hamm need to be in the celeb news cycle simply because the outline of his penis is visible? Is that really necessary for him to stay on your radar? I’d like to think no … that he can still ride a wave of Mad Men goodwill for at least another year or two. I’d also like to think this theory isn’t true because it would mean some photographer out there has shady dealings in an underground parking garage where he agrees to take “accidental” crotch shots of celebrities, like some kind of Junk Assassin. That’s not the life I want for another person. Although, I’m sitting here writing about the possibility of said person existing, so maybe I should just walk into the fucking ocean.

He's Just Proud of His Penis

Some guys have big dicks. Some of those guys show off those dicks. Jon Hamm may just want to be the kind of man who is very proud of his dick and, much the same way you might avoid wearing a hat when you're having a very good hair day, he doesn't want to wear underwear when he's out there having a good dick day. Scholars who refute this theory argue that Hamm already has plenty to be proud of; why rub his dick in everyone's face (metaphorically)? And that's a fair counterpoint. The man has won an Emmy. He was in the movie Minions. There are plenty of people out there in the world not winning Emmys and featuring in the sixth-highest-grossing film of 2015, Minions. And those people aren't showing off their dicks.

But apparently not Jon Hamm. He voiced a character in Minions — a film with respectable box office numbers considering it came out the same year as tent-pole franchises like Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Jurassic World, and Avengers: Age of Ultron — and he still chooses to show off his penis. Jon Hamm is just most proud of his penis, regardless of his other accomplishments. It's like how your parents might be proud of your doctor brother, but they're also proud of you, their little baby angel, for graduating high school. One of them is a bigger deal than the other, but your parents don't care. Jon Hamm loves his Emmy and his penis equally. Also, Minions crossed the $1 billion box-office mark and it's not even a Disney/Pixar movie.

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He (Literally) Gets Off on the Attention

Let’s explore one final possibility: Jon Hamm is a fucking deviant. He goes home and lies on the floor of his bathroom, fully nude, his sweaty skin sticking to the tile. He reads all the comments about everyone noticing his penis. All of the comments. He can’t help it. He's seen too much. He's a broken man now. He’s drunk with power, overwhelmed by the amount of Instagram comments and op-eds about his genitals. He’s screaming now. A deep, primal scream from within his gut. His cheek is pressed to the floor, spittle and sweat pouring down in a pool. His maid is knocking at the door. “Mr. Hamm. Mr. Hamm. Are you OK?” “GO AWAY!” he yells. He can’t let anyone see him like this. He feels an intense shame, and that shame turns him on more. It drives him forward until he finds himself there, on the floor of his bathroom, covered in his own fluids and a sense of regret. That's when Jon Hamm closes his eyes … and weeps.

In conclusion, it’s probably this last theory that explains why Jon Hamm keeps going out with his dick on display, and I hope you found this insightful.

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