For tons of people, their idea of S&M is mostly limited to what they’ve seen in Fifty Shades franchise. But the truth is, there’s a whole world of S&M out there, and it has something enjoyable for everyone—from the shy newbie to the experienced masochist. (But maybe pace yourself).
In this Cosmo Happy Hour podcast, host Elisa Benson and Cosmopolitan.com Senior Sex and Relationships editor Ali Drucker chat with Tricia La Belle, owner of alternative club Bar Sinister, Miss Lucy, a professional dominatrix and Dr. Shannon Chavez, a sex therapist, on what S&M really is and how to incorporate it into your sex life. Here are 12 things these women want you to know before you go all Christian Grey on your partner for the first time.
1. S&M is a type of sexual play that falls under the umbrella of BDSM.
“S&M technically stand for sadism and masochism,” explains Drucker. “It’s part of BDSM, which is bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism, or submission and dominance— It’s basically just the act of causing abuse or giving abuse during sex in a way that’s consensual and enjoyable.”
2. You can choose the activities that you’re comfortable with.
When just starting out with S&M, you might think that you have to get right into the nitty gritty of straps and suspension—which is not the case. “In a true S&M relationship you’re both fully aware, fully consensual, about all the acts that you’re about to perform,” explains Drucker. In other words, you aren’t in the dark (blindfold or not), much like Ana was in Fifty Shades. Drucker says that just because one thing—like getting flogged— may not be for you, that doesn’t mean something else, like using handcuffs, can’t be! “It’s definitely not one size fits all—you get to pick and choose the activities.”
4. It’s a way for you and your partner to get creative together.
“It kind of opens up the creativity in the mind and explores your own sexuality with not just yourself, but with your partner,” says Tricia La Belle. This is why you shouldn’t be afraid to try out a range of S&M activities, especially if you’re doing them with someone you’re comfortable with. “There’s going to be things that will turn you off, but there’s going to be things that will turn you on,” La Belle notes. It’s all part of the experience!
5. Getting consent and respecting your partner are key.
Permission and verbal agreements are important in all aspects of life, and just because S&M can get wild doesn’t mean that the consent rule-book is tossed out the window. La Belle says that it’s important to speak up while engaged in play. “It’s up to us to give the OK...but when we say no, that word has to be respected.” Talk to your partner before you start, and maybe establish a safe-word for when things are traveling outside of your comfort zone.
6. Honesty is also vital to the S&M experience.
Sex therapist Dr. Shannon Chavez likes to emphasize the importance of communication with her patients. “Obviously if this is part of your sexuality and you’re feeling embarrassed or ashamed about it, that’s even more reason to talk about it with your partner,” she says about introducing S&M into your relationship. Plus, just talking about exploring your kinks doesn’t mean that you have to do it right away. “With couples it’s all about communication—talking about it—and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re asking your partner to participate, it could be just a conversation or a dialogue to start that exploration,” says Chavez.
7. You can be a dominant or a submissive, whichever better fits your personality.
S&M players can take on one of two main roles, a dominant or a submissive, explains Mistress Lucy, a professional dominatrix. As she says, a dominatrix aids people, “who are interested in exploring their submissive side, or have certain fetishes or kinks,” in playing out those scenarios. Being a dominant can also be especially empowering to women—before she got into her field, Lucy "only saw images of women participating in BDSM as taking the submissive role,” she said, which lead her to take on a more dominant role and enjoy a fulfilling career.
8. It’s not all about getting hurt or feeling pain.
A common stereotype about S&M is that it’s, “all about being tied up and flogged and whipped until you’re bleeding and crying,” explains Mistress Lucy. However, people who enjoy violent S&M are actually in the minority. Things like sensation play or being restrained can be just as appealing as the acts that actually cause pain.
9. There’s no right or wrong way to start.
Dipping your toe in the S&M water all depends on what you—and your partner—are comfortable with. “It depends on the couple and the foundation in their relationship,” says Chavez. “If they have a really solid foundation, built on trust, open communication and even sexual awareness, I think that’s going to be a much better place to bring in exploration.”
10. Checking out some resources—like books or the internet—can be extremely helpful.
Fetlife.com — what Lucy describes as, “Facebook but for kinky people” — is a website that both Mistress Lucy and Dr. Chavez agree is an invaluable resource. It's basically an online forum where you can read blogs from experienced S&Mers and get any questions you may have answered. Chavez also recommends S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman, which she says has “everything you need to know.”
11. Your relationship with S&M could get unhealthy, so it’s important to be aware of yourself and make smart decisions.
“Like any sexaual behavior, anything that can claim your consciousness, can become unhealthy,” Dr. Chavez says. “Remember that if it becomes out of control, you can get help—you can talk to a therapist, you can get the support that you need. While there's not really any addiction factor with S&M, it’s easy to get carried away sometimes. “Anything behaviorally can become impulsive or out of control,” notes Chavez, “So be mindful of that.”
To hear more about what these women had to say about S&M, listen to the full episode below:
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